The Jilted Lover: Why Quinn won’t get another girlfriend
To be clear, he’s had many ex-girlfriends. But for some reason, love keeps alluding my poor little 6-year old. (Oh, and apparently I got the dates mixed up and my Shih-Tzu is still in his thirties, not at a golden age just yet.) So if you see me referencing his age as 7 in other […]
To be clear, he’s had many ex-girlfriends.
But for some reason, love keeps alluding my poor little 6-year old. (Oh, and apparently I got the dates mixed up and my Shih-Tzu is still in his thirties, not at a golden age just yet.) So if you see me referencing his age as 7 in other articles, well, just go lenient on me, I try.
And the Mother of the Year award goes to…
Yes thank you, thank you very much.
Anywho, since his last Golden Retriever girlfriend left him and followed her expat owners back to Germany, Quinn’s been real lonely. In addition to his refined taste to female companions who were approximately the size of a lorry, Quinn has a particular fetish for being dominated.
Unlike most male dogs, who enjoy humping, licking, scratching and howling at the pretty poodles that walk by; those petite, small, ladylike creatures, Quinn on the other hand prefers a more eclectic taste when it comes to his choice of mate.
He likes his ladies big, rough, dominating and double his size. To be frank, I just believe he likes being petted, pampered and lavished over, so he’s probably thinking: Why not let the ladies be in charge? They obviously seem to know what they’re doing.
Naturally, he’s not popular with the alpha dogs in my condominum, but good golly Miss Molly does he get along rather well with the ladies (much to the distaste of the alpha dogs). They follow him around as if he were some meat-flavoured walking dog chew toy.
Just the other day, a white fluffball (whom I later found out was called “Peanutbuttersnow” or something like that) the size of my dad’s old armchair dashed out of her dwelling in completely different block and tailed Quinn whilst he was on his daily walk, sniffing his privates and licking the back of his ears. Quinn remained rather indifferent, to be honest he probably thought she was his new bodyguard or something. Male egos, am I right?
She was so enamoured with Quinn that it took two people and many promises of bacon treats to separate the two. Quinn was revelling in the attention that this outrageously white-furred female was giving him.. And she? Well, was obviously taken with Quinn’s playful charm and the strong 7-day bath hiatus odour that was emitting from his nether region.
Numerous attempts to set Quinn up on blind dates with the friendly Chow Chow around the block (she’s a cutie!) and the grumpy bulldog in the opposite building have proved futile. Quinn’s a lost soul; heart-broken and desolate, he continues wandering his owner’s land, feeding on her food and odour-fying the furniture. Alas, what can be done to ease this broken heart?
We’re just praying for his blonde girlfriend to one day return to Singapore. In the meantime, Quinn’d be going stag to all future playground doggie dates. Look out ladies, it’s your friendly neighbourhood stinkbomb: Bachelor edition.
Updated: May 16, 2017.